Cheers!!

As usual when i get a seemingly good one i will share it….. so go ahead and smile your face off

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon”.
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Meet Modoathii

I just had to share this post with my faithful readers …. i truly loved it. The authour of the post is one of my blog peeps Modoathii he is an African blogger and i have adopted him as my little brother.. so what i have done … is, i have copied the entire post into my blog, most of you don’t click on links, so not gonna link it …. giving it to you straight as an arrow. So here goes ——>

The ATTACK! October 19, 2007
Posted by modoathii in BT, my love life, the good times.
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I was seated there at the bar as usual sipping my vodo politely, as usual. When suddenly there was all this commotion. What was going on? Up to now the ride had been smooth.

As I sat there wondering what was going on, this arrow-riddled Muthii bursts in to the bar.

What the…!

He looks at me.

I look at him.

It is evident he’s been hit. But looking into his eyes, you can see this determination not to let go. He doesn’t say a thing. He doesn’t need to. As he continues down the corridor he is struck by another arrow. How is he surviving? Si ashuke aende apate usaidizi?

By now curiosity has peaked, and am about to kill something. Spiders’ livelihoods. I have been sitting here on this ride for two years plus and my unmoving body had proved to be prime housing location for generations of spiders. As I stood up, many web condos were demolished. The spiders that protested were squished.

SQUISH!

SQUISH!

Anybody else? No? I thought so.

As I am rounding the corner this mad one passes me once, twice, thrice. She/they look at me and repetitively mumble “Falling! Falling!” and she/they are off. I notice an arrow in her back.

Whoever this attacker is he is really wrecking havoc.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I hear happy laughter.

I look back and see this “pwetty pwety kitty” laughing her head off. Well, at least someone’s happy. Lodged in her chest is an arrow. Similar to the ones that have almost flattened the confused and unwilling muthii and the one that had lodged in the mad one(s). Strangely, this one is happy. Clearly she’s not jaded.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

MWAHAHAHAH!

I hear sinister laughter now.

What now? I wonder, as I look in the direction from whence the puddy cat and the laugh came from. I’m shocked. Well actually not really.

YOU? You’re the attacker? You’re the one causing such drama on this ride?

The attacker (not him) is none other than this little boy. Barely…jeez, how old would you say he is? In his hand is this glistening bow and on his back this fine leather quiver loaded with lots and lots of arrows.

I remember him. Just recently he had raided us again. His victim was this guy who after a nyc unique experience was forced to jump off the ride at some station miles back.

He looks at me.

What?

He LOOKS at me.

WHAT?

He lifts his hand and points at me.

HUH?

He removes an arrow.

I look behind me. I don’t see the muthii. Neither do I see the mad one(s). The kitten has also scampered off.

He has now loaded his bow.

No. Me?

He lifts it.

NOOO!

He pulls.

WAIT!

He lets fly.

AAARGH!

As the arrow cuts smoothly throw the tense air…

Swooooooosh!

…my mind is racing. Why me? What did I do? All I did was look at her. I didn’t do anything.

THUNK!

It hits the spot.

AAA…aaaa….huh…aaaaaah!

Aaaaaah!

Hey, it’s a nice feeling. Hit me ag__

THUNK!

Ok. But easy dude.

THUNK! THUNK!

HEY! EASY! EASY! JEEZ! What you wanna do kill m___

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

Clearly there’s no escaping these arrows. These ones are heart-seeking missiles.

And all because I looked at her.

Her who?

Well, I saw her through the window. She was seated on the platform of the train station and I almost wasted good vodo by spitting it out. So I instead swallowed hard and succeeded in choking myself. I coughed so hard, the bar tender gave me a free shot. (Hmm, I’ve been trying to cough like that ever since but no free shot has been forthcoming)

Anyway, where was I? Yeah, she was seated there on the bench. She was looking like oh so pretty. Man, that was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen and it helped the stinging vodo go down smoothly. My heart skipped that proverbial beat. I was feeling things I’d never thought I’d feel again.

There she was. (heart SKIP) Dayumm! She had crossed her legs. How I wanted to be that bench. Next to her was lots of luggage. And she looked weary. She definitely needed a rest.

Oh, she could rest on the couch. Anytime.

I took a quick sip of my vodo only to discover the train was pulling away, without her.

Why wasn’t she getting on board? She kept looking back like she was waiting for someone. But that someone wasn’t coming.

It was as I was thinking what to do about this miraculous situation, that this arrow-laden young bandit attacked the train.

And after all these arrows, there is no way I am staying on board with this maniac.

So a few metres from the station where I had seen this damsel in the dress, I pull the emergency brakes. The train screeches to a stop and I jump out. Muthii is thrown out too, but he is clinging on the door. Dude let go. The kitten has been tossed out too and she’s walking aimlessly smiling to herself into the forest. The mad one(s) is still ‘falling’. One after the other.

Too bad for them. I run back to the station. My stumble on the platform makes her look my way. Our eyes meet.

SNAP!

Something near the heart snaps.

THUNK!

Another arrow lodges itself near the heart.

DUDE! I GET THE MESSAGE. JEEZ! KWANI NI OFFER?

I look back and wave.

THANKS (ST)CUPID!

The baby-faced bandit waves back and continues unleashing his ammo on the hapless muthii.

The BT pulls away and a brand spanking new pimped up train rolling on 18-inch rims complete with spinners pulls up at the station…

“Shall we?” I ask the broad.

“We shall.”

To new adventures!

HOOT! HOOT!

Not from the train, but from me.

PS, I know I have gotten excess (sex) education and poems fulani fulani but I still need prayers. Bana, I’ve been on the BT for the longest. I’ve rusted.

To good times!

LaFF with me

Ok i was really going to post on some of the happenings in my life, that needs an outlet, … but i think my heart has cried enough dry tears and my lips has tasted enough salt   …. i really need to smile so … just join with me and  ….hey LaFF wItH mE!!!

SENIOR DATING

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a
gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me
downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner…lobster,champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are
coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he
tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”    

OOOOHHHH wait there… is …. more —–>>>

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered….They don’t come to change the family, they are here to… ( WELL READ ON !)

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
“My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine .”No, I will never do that, never in a million years.”

“What do you mean my child?” asked the father-in-law.
“What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!

“And what are you here for?” enquired the mother-in-law.

“AS FOR ME, I’M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON !!!!!”    

Got enough or you still want more then just

Whew this is good to know…

…….that is if you take stock to these questionnaire that try to determine the type of person you. Personally i don’t but hey … why not it was fun. Actually saw it on stunner blog so i just falla him, that is i followed him. The results surprises me, …always thought i was this person with this dark, deep voilent side… whew!!!

There’s Not a Violent Bone in Your Body

You’re cool and collected, even when someone really gets under your skin. And while you don’t blow up when you’re angry, you know how to express your anger calmly. You don’t bottle emotions up or let them get out of control. For you, violence would never be an option.

Could You Be Violent?

For those who are curious to find out if they are capable of …devious dark violence just click here BLOGTHINGS

A likkle Yardie Huomor

A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down.

The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.

“Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu”.

Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man’s table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes, dat’s what mi will ‘ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!”

Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.

Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a fork.”

The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli.”

The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he’s going to test him.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Dawn, rub this fork on your panties.” Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, “Rass mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!”

Joke

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her and made passionate love to her.
The encounter silenced the woman who shut up and quietly sat down as
though in a daze.
The therapist then turned to the husband and said, “That is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do it?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied,..”Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

The best pick up line ever

Heard this man trying to convince a lady that they were connected and she should give him the time of the day.

Man: mmmhhmm you look so fine

Woman: Is waste yuh wasting your time cause i’m already spoken for

Man: Cho i am not worried about that cause he is on borrowed time

Woman: Oh really now, a hear yuh

Man: No man fi real cause every woman belong to me. I am the gift to all women.

Woman: Ha Ha Ha Ha nuh mek mi laugh….. and the Bomb is going to drop now

Man: No fi real, them other man only give you girls them ribs, but all ladies have my genes in them and is just me to activate them and then the pheromones kick in and its all over. But because i not greedy i just ensure that i always have two and mek them guys just get a borrows. So when a ready for you, you have no choice but to come to me.

He then blows a kiss at her, the woman was in stiches smiling in total glee, telling him bye with a big smile on her face. Makes you wonder if he’s right mmmm?

Smile y’all

I really don’t want to be posting people’s material on my blog much, without being able to give credit to the owner but this was just toooooo good not to share,.. whoever you are, who did this it is good…. SMILE EVERYBODY

The Wedding Ring
 
 A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut from his peni$.
 According to the attending nurse, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his peni$ while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your peni$ fits through your wedding ring.

Ooohh!!! did i forget to tell you it is said to be a true story …….Real life really is funnier than make-believe. True Story from Houston Medical Center.

Joke

Someone sent this to me and I just had to share…I’m still crackin’ up even now

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says:?What’s wrong with you?”In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I’m 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3
pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”The small guy says: “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
Turn around!”

Dirty Joke

The Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”“Tiger Woods.”“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”“Yeah.”“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.“What are you doing?” asks the wife.The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”